Tuesday, April 17, 2012

A Time For All Things

I try not to swear too much.  I could climb up on my soapbox and jabber on about the sanctity of language, polite behavior and a sincere wish to not offend.  All of that may be true to a point, but for me at least, there is one other very good reason to keep a civil tongue most of the time....If you swear too much then those swear words lose all their power and are of no use when you really need them.  Take for example, an incident that occurred a couple of weeks ago....

Picture a tall woman, bent nearly in half, craned sideways and practically standing on her head trying to get a clear view, past the furry belly of her very short, very pregnant, donkey's udder.  Picture also a neurotic, arguably brain-damaged cat slinking up behind the woman and donkey unbeknownst to either of them.  Remember that said neurotic cat made an attempt to use the donkey's leg as a scratching post just a few days previously.  Picture if you will, what might happen when said cat sneaks up on said donkey and grabs her leg....the donkey's hock jerks backwards and connects very solidly, with the bridge of the woman's nose. 

Here then is a moment when one NEEDS swear words.  Lots of swear words.  There needs to be some channel in which to funnel the shear primordial rage that boils up instantly from the dark recesses of the hind-brain when one is violently hit in the nose.  After all, one certainly does not want to beat one's beloved donkey who certainly did not mean to break one's nose.  Nor does one want to scream in rage at the mildly befuddled horse standing nearby.  An action which would also have the very undesired effect of inciting the Border Collie to come to one's aid like an avenging angel and instead making all hell break loose.  And, of course, in a rare moment of common sense, the cat, who could definitely be considered the proper target of such rage, has disappeared.  Far better at this moment, to pull out all stops on the language barrier while stomping one's way to the house in search of paper towels, ice packs and anti-inflammatorys. 

So, the next time the FCC announces some outlandish fine for some misplaced cuss word and you are tempted to roll your eyes and say "who cares", remember this and know that we need our swear words and we wouldn't want them to be diminished by over-use. 

 "Just say the word Mom and I'll stomp her for you...'"

Note:  My nose is much better now.  It was somewhat fractured, but not badly broken.  My quick application of ice and anti-inflammatorys kept the swelling under control.  I straightened it out right away (swearing all the while) and it has healed up quite well.  I doubt anyone will ever notice once the pretty colors are completely gone. 

15 comments:

  1. Oh, ow. You just gotta LOVE animals, dontcha? So what story did you tell people who saw your nose, surely NOT the truth? Hope your nose gets back to normal quickly!

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    1. I mostly just ignored the odd looks I got. I work nights by myself so I don't see too many people. The only person who got the whole story was a very nice nurse at the office where I get allergy shots. She very discreetly and politely handed me a pamphlet about domestic violence so I really felt like I had to try to explain. I don't think she believed me:)

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  2. Ooh that's very painful !!!
    Every morning,when I start up my computer,I wish to see Enma's baby...But not yet :(

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    1. I get up every morning and look for a baby too. One of these days...

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  3. Very funny, but also very painful! We need pictures of the nose of course.

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    1. One of the pros AND cons of living alone is that there is no one around to take pictures of the more, um, interesting moments. Fortunately, the colors have mostly faded now and no pictures exist. Sorry:)

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  4. Goodness, I don't know what else to say! My horse jerked her head up and caught my nose a week or so ago and I'm still tender in that area, can't imagine what you went through.

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  5. I'm trying my best not to snicker here. Right on the nose, OUCH ! Damn cat!

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  6. Go ahead and laugh Mel. Now that the swelling is down, it is much funnier:)

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  7. Kris so sorry to hear about your nose SO was she bagging up??

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    1. She is driving me crazier. She has been bagging and waxing, she even had a little milk then it all goes away. I can't tell if she is going to have this baby tonight or two months from now. I think her own growth hormones may be reacting with the pregnancy hormones and everything is wacky.

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  8. Oh, my heavens! What a well-told accounting of your painful adventures. I nearly snorted coffee all over my keyboard! Hope your healing is quick and you find a way to deal with that cat. :)

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  9. Ouch & double ouch, this is one of those happenings that is much funnier with the passage of time, LOTS OF TIME....!!! Glad you're feeling better. Hope she "dominos" soon.

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  10. Ouch! At the tender age of 14 I got cow kicked in the face by a "brain damaged" horse..needless to say I am so glad your injuries were minimal..your account of the story is most humorous!

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  11. The Bard of the American Golden Age, Samuel Clemmens (aka: Mark Twain) had simple- yet elegent rule on the subject:

    "When angry, count to four...
    When very angry, swear."

    I readily concede that I too-readily skip the counting part, and go straight for the colorful expressions...but they can- and do make one feel better (albeit sometimes at the discomfort of by-standers).

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