There has been an awful lot of that in the past year and with every new tragedy, the words that describe the latest bit of farm trivia get scattered and fly away like ash in the wind. What is left behind is a void filled with helplessness, rage, anger, sorrow - all the dark things that take up so much space and energy yet fail to fill that void. I feel the hammer blow of all these dark tides and I try to shield myself from them while still feeling empathy and sympathy for those suffering through them. It is a hard balance.
Added to that are the smaller poisons of a toxic workplace, the bleak days of deep winter and the daily regimen that you have to endure this time of year rather than enjoy. I have a thousand blog posts swirling around in my head, cluttering things up. It would be better if I just wrote them down and got all that noise out of my head, but I've had a bad case of the why-bothers lately.
I'm trying to regain that balance and remember why I bother. I believe in small things like leading by example and doing my best even in the face of indifference. I believe in the value of small, ordinary lives lived as well as possible.
And so...I reach for all the little trivialities that push back the dark. The small things that actually do fill the void. The little moments of goofiness that lighten the day's burden....
The knowledge that the peace that so eludes the wider world can be found in small, quiet corners....
That I can't provide safety and happiness for many, but I can for a few.
That there is value in things that so many find useless.