Balance

The Fixer's Dilemma

I switched to the day shift about ten weeks ago because I am having terrible trouble with my hands and arms.  After fourteen years working as a histotechnician, the repetitive nature of the job is taking it's toll.  I am having great difficulty with carpal tunnel, cubital tunnel and radial tunnel syndrome, as well as tendinitis and cervical issues.  It got so bad this Fall that I couldn't sleep at all and my arms were numb from the shoulders down.  It is not a new problem, but it went from a minor annoyance to nearly incapacitating after my workload increased dramatically.  I moved to the day shift so I could do "light duty" and go to physical therapy.   

I am better than I was, but by no means cured and, I am not doing anything.  What I am doing at work is still enough to be exacerbating the problem.  I have not been doing much around the farm, trying to give everything a chance to heal.  However, it is unlikely at this point that the doctor is going to clear me to return to my normal job.  My boss does not want to lose me and is willing to make some accommodations, but there is no changing the nature of the job, which is extremely repetitive and requires very fine motor skills.  


Physical therapy, large amounts of Ibuprofen and getting a break from the job has helped a lot.  However, the occupational medicine doctor that I am seeing is telling me that I need to find a new job. 

I always naively thought that Worker's Comp. existed to protect employees.  I am learning the hard way that it is really more the other way around.  An employee can't be fired for getting hurt.  However, if the employee can't, "perform the normal tasks and duties of the job, then the employer can terminate that employee".  It's hard for me to see where the difference lies within that tidy bit of semantics.   

And therein lies my dilemma.  

It is easy to tell someone to go out and find a new job, but I live in one of the most economically depressed areas in the country.  I have spent the last fourteen years working in one of the most highly specialized jobs in existence.  Even the doctors that I work with don't understand what I do.  Years ago, I tried to convince the hospital to let me train in other parts of the lab, but got turned down flat because other people were afraid they would have to reciprocate.  

I could go back to school (again) and study something else, but how do I pay for it and still support myself (and my animals)?  

I've already caused permanent damage to my hands, wrists, elbows, shoulders, tendons....What job is there that isn't going to cause more?

If I lose my job, how am I going to support all of us?

I can't find anyone who can tell me what happens next.  I can't even get anyone to tell me if I will at least be eligible for unemployment.   

I keep asking what happens from here and they keep telling me that, "it's up to you, Kris", but it doesn't feel like it is up to me.  I don't work because I want to, I work because I have to.  Where is the choice in that?



I feel very much like I am about to be thrown to the wolves in thanks for my 14 years of labor and expertise.  

I've avoided writing about all of this, but I'm no longer sure why.  Who am I protecting and why? I am having trouble writing about anything else as this little problem has been occupying all my thoughts and creating a great deal of anxiety.  

I haven't come up with a fix for this yet, but the stress is getting to me.  So, I did the only thing there is to do at the moment.  I took a couple of days off, took Connor for a walk...

Went for a ride with RB...

...and took my donkeys for a walk.

 

Frost Flowers

Just a few more frosty photos from Sunday morning because I am too tired to do more.

The Grass is Greener....

Thank you all for your kind words yesterday.  When I know more and have more to say, I will let you know.  Meanwhile, what the world needs is more of this.

While I have been toiling away in the salt mines (the windowless basement of a hospital in reality), these guys have been blissfully wallowing in the beautiful Fall that I have been missing out on (yes I am feeling very, very sorry for myself about that). 

(Is there some grammatical rule about using too many parentheses in one sentence? Using it as a paragraph? If there is, I don't care.  Rules are meant to be broken now and then.)

Now that the grass has gone into dormancy, I have been giving the herd small slices of it every day.  Finally, they are getting to eat all that yumminess that I worked so hard to keep them off of all summer. 

If you are interested in the grazing and grass stockpiling system I use, I wrote about it here.  So far, we are having the perfect year for feeding stockpiled grass as we have not had any snow (may it, PLEASE God, remain so!).

I am using less than a bale of hay per week so far.  In fact, I use that as a gauge for how much grass to give them. 

 
I want them to still be hungry enough to eat some hay every day.  It is an imprecise method, but all I have for now and it seems to be working.

If the weather holds out, I figure I have at least another month of grazing.  IF the weather holds out.

Tessa and the donkeys are in seventh heaven.  No bugs, cool temps, sunny skies....

....and FINALLY, the grass is greener on their side of the fence.

The Fixer

Having moved back to the day shift after 12 years of working in the evenings/nights has been a tough transition.  I rather like being back on a normal schedule, but I miss the sun terribly.  This would be much easier in the summer.

I know there are lots of people out there who are wondering why and if it's permanent or temporary and all sorts of other stuff.  I don't mean to be mysterious. 

The truth is, I haven't answered those questions because I don't know the answer myself right now.  

There is a lot going on.  I may be looking for a new job.  I may not.  I may be going back to the night shift.  Or not.  

As much as the mystery may be bugging you, it's nothing to my own frustration.

But here is a truth you may have noticed about me - I am a fixer. 

When things break, go wrong, don't work, whatever; I may flail around for a bit - curse, swear, rage, cry, whatever.  Then I get on with fixing it. 

This near compulsion is usually a double edged sword and is often a burden that I would like to put down.  People tell me about problems and my mind immediately starts trying to come up with a solution.  That may sound like a good thing, but most people don't actually want solutions, they just want to talk about the problem.  Long after they've said their piece and moved on my stubborn mind is still trying to fix the problem.  It causes me a great deal of frustration and bafflement.  I purposely limit my exposure to news for the same reason. It is not that I don't care.  It is that I care too much, that I can't help thinking of solutions that no one wants.  That, and the curse of empathy.

Still, a fixer is who I am, even when I wish it were otherwise.

I don't know how I am going to fix this yet, but fix it I will. 

Because here is another fundamental truth of my life - no one else is going to.

I've been employed since I was 11 years old.  I've been supporting myself since I was 16.  I've paid for every flake of hay my horses have ever eaten and that is not going to change. 

My herd may be confused by my odd shifting of night and day, but they will continue to live in the luxury to which they are accustomed. 

Because I will fix this.

The Beauty of Simple Things

There are a lot of reasons to take pictures.  We all want to capture that special moment, share it, preserve it, keep it forever. 

We want to hold onto those fleeting, un-holdable moments.

That is all true for me as well, but there is another aspect of photography that has come to mean a lot more to me.  

More even than the pictures themselves. 

You'd think that the pictures would be the whole point of photography, but they aren't. 

 They are a nice side benefit - tangible, beautiful evidence of the effort and time that goes into it.

It may sound almost sacrilegious, but the thing I love most about photography isn't the pictures.  Don't get me wrong, I love them. I love it when I get it just right. 

When I manage to capture that elusive combination of light, angle, shadow that can transform even the most boring of objects.  Somewhere in there is what I love about photography.

It is the way I look at the world when I have a camera in hand that I love most.  It is so easy to get lost in all the miseries of the world.

A camera and a cold, frosty morning filled with sunlight can help lead the way out of that darkness.  Photography is the search for and conscious recognition of the beauty in simple things and that is what I love about it.   

Pressure Valve

There is a lot going on this week, mostly with my job, and my mind is just not in the right place for blogging. 

I can't do much about what is going on out in the world.

But, as always, it is up to me to take care of me.

Rather than keep trying and failing and then feeling bad about it, I am just going to give up for the rest of the week and come back when I find something good/useful/interesting....anything to say.

Stay safe out there.  Hug a donkey if you can, beware of psycho mass shooters, Black Friday scams and don't eat any berries you can't identify.