How it Really Goes

Be warned, this post contains LOTS of bad words.

Do you ever watch a DIY how-to video and say, "oh, that looks easy"?

Well, fixing a hot water heater is like that.  They are really very simple contraptions and when they quit working, they can usually be repaired with a few easy steps and less than $40.  I have light bulbs that are harder to change, mostly because I need a step ladder tall enough to reach them and I am too cheap to buy one.

The steps to fixing a water heater go like this:

1. Turn off power to water heater
2. Turn off water supply to heater
3. Attach garden hose to drain at bottom of heater and open valve
4. Open the hot water tap on the faucets so air can get into tank and allow it to drain.
5. Remove the cover panel on the front of the tank (two little screws)
6. Remove the two wires attached to the heating element located under the cover panel 
7. Unscrew heating element with the special wrench made for the job ($4.99) and replace with a new heating element ($14.99)
8. Reattach the wires to the element  (most tanks have an upper and lower heating element.  Since you've gone this far, you might as well replace both at the same time so repeat steps 6&7 for the lower element)
9. Turn the water supply back on - make sure to leave the taps open so the air can get pushed back out.
10. Once all the faucets are running clear, turn them off and turn the power to the heater back on.

Hot water restored in ten easy steps for less than $35.

***

How it goes in real life:

1. Turn off power to water heater
2. Turn off water supply to heater
3. The hose is not where it is supposed to be.  Where the f*** did I leave the damned hose?
4. Oh yeah, it's buried in the snow under the tree because it snowed before I remembered to put it away  
5. Dig out hose and drag the frozen, snow covered thing inside to thaw out and drip all over floor.  
6. Go out and finish cleaning the barn
7. Come in and wiggle hose, it feels empty so start to attach it to the hot water heater
8. Remember at that moment that I cranked a plug onto the end of the water heater valve 4-5 years ago because it was leaking.
9. Go out to barn to get big wrench to get stupid plug off valve
10. Wrestle with corroded, stripped piece-of-shit plug for 15 minutes
11. Step back and grab piece of newspaper to stop the bleeding 
12. Finally get piece-of-shit plug off 
13. Attach hose to even worse piece-of-shit plastic valve
14. Take deep breath and put other end of hose outside to drain
15. Open valve and check to see that the water is flowing out of other end of hose
16. There is no water flowing out of the hose
17. Remember to go open all the hot water taps on the faucets
18. Go check to see that water is flowing out of hose
19. There is NO F****** water flowing out of the F****** hose
20. Unattach hose from hot water heater and attach to pressure tank to make sure hose is not clogged with ice
21. Stop the bleeding 
22. Hose is not clogged and water is running fine
23. Unattach hose from pressure tank and reattach to hot water drain
24. Open valve and go check water flow
25. There is no GODDAMNED water draining out of the tank
26. BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEEEP BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
27. Unattach hose and fiddle with miserable f*****, piece-of-shit valve
28. A tiny trickle of water begins flowing out of valve
29. Take a deep breath and reattach hose.  It will just take a while for the water to drain
30. Take the long suffering Border Collie for a walk
31. Come back and check water flow
32. There is NO F****** WATER DRAINING OUT OF F****** TANK
33. Unattach hose
34. Find a plastic zip strip and shove it up the piece-of-shit valve to unclog it
35. A cloudy, white trickle of sludge dribbles out of valve and then stops altogether
36. BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEEEP BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
37. Repeat step 33 until cloudy water resumes trickling out of valve
38. Reattach hose and leave for 3 hours
39. Return to find that some water has drained
40. Tentatively remove upper elememt
41. Happily screw in new element and sigh in relief that the water finally drained and I can have this job done in another two minutes
42. Unscrew lower heating element
43. Gallons of water gushes out, soaking everything in its path
44. Desperately screw element back in and stop the flood
45. BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEEEP BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
46. BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEEEP BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
47. BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEEEP BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
48. Unattach hose
49. Notice that the Border Collie has just tiptoed out his dog-door
50. Gather up all the towels I can find and begin sopping up water
51. BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEEEP BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
52. Toss bucket of grungy water out the door and and see Border Collie sneak in to rescue the frisbee and sneak back out to safety
53. Keep cleaning and wait for more water to drain
54. Tentatively reach for heating element
55. Element partially breaks off and more water comes gushing out
56. Try to stop water then give up and let it drain onto floor
57. Examine miserable, stinking, piece-of-shit heater tank and find that the bottom ten inches of tank is filled with mineral deposits
58. Call Farm Buddy and tell her we need to take her old, decrepit, brakeless truck to Lowes and buy a new water heater
59. She hems, haws, mutters and reluctantly agrees, but she has to milk her cow first
60. Hastily remove everything possible from the path of the flood
61. Kick stupid, horrible water tank and bruise my toe
62. Clean 30 gallons of water off of floor
63. Spend 40 minutes removing bent, broken heating element
64. Stop the bleeding
65. Ponder whether or not it is worth spending $400 for a new water heater so that I can start growing a whole new geological formation or if I should invest in a water filtration system first
66. Shove new heating element into the layer of calcite in the bottom of the tank and screw it into place
67. Answer phone when FB calls and call off emergency trip to Lowes.  They are closed by now anayway
68. Use paper towels to dry off all the wiring 
69. Ponder the likelihood of electrocution if I ever turn the power back on
70. Ponder the likelihood of dying from calcium toxicity from drinking my water
71. Fuck it, I'm not dead yet
72. Turn the water supply back on and fill tank
73. Once all the faucets are running clear, turn them off  
74. Did I hook hook up the wires?
75. Yes
76. Are they dry?  
77. Mostly
78. Will I start an electrical fire if I turn the power on?
79. Probably not
80. Fuck it.  
81. Fuck all of it.  
82. If I can't have hot water, I may as well burn the house down
83. Turn the power to the heater back on

Hot water restored in 80+ steps, massive swearing, blood loss, fits of rage and less than $35.

Thank God I get to take a hot shower.