Sunday, April 14, 2013

Security Breach

Now that the snow has finally gone, the toys have reappeared.  I gathered most of them up the other day, which was a Border-Collie-Security-Breach of massive proportions.  I was informed, in no uncertain terms, that each and every toy was fully and completely accounted for already and my interference was not appreciated. 


Each and every toy had to be thoroughly inspected and placed in a new Border-Collie-Approved position.  Such positioning might appear arbitrary and random to us humans, but I assure you, it is not.

The security status remains on high, orange alert.  The Dancing Donkey Farm is at Def-Con 3.

In light of this massive breach of security, Tanner has asked me to review all of the rules applying to all toys.  He has even been so kind as to dictate said rules so that there will be absolutely no confusion about them.  Hopefully this will prevent any further security breach emergencies. 

The Rules

Part 1.  No toy or perceived toy shall be moved, dislodged, misplaced or otherwise handled without the express permission and instruction of the Border Collie (heretofore known as the BC, Security, Investigator, Judge, Jury, Executioner, etc.  AKA Tanner, AKA Farm Manager, AKA The Boss).

Part 2.   No toy or perceived toy shall be be played with, used for games, or otherwise handled by any other creature residing on this farm or on any other property within this solar system without the express permission of the BC.
      
       Part 2a.  No permission of such handling will be granted by the BC now or ever.

Part 3.  Definition of a toy:  Any object that the BC has deemed to be a toy.  This includes, but is not limited to:
  • All balls, jolly balls, basketballs, footballs, or any spherical or semi-spherical object or ball-like substance that can be kicked, thrown, chased, bitten, etc. 
  • Frisbees, Frisbee like objects, or any disc shaped substance that can be thrown, caught, bit, etc.
  • Selectively chosen sticks retrieved from the woods by the BC for the sole use and entertainment of the BC.  
      Part 3a.  If in doubt, all determinations are to be made solely by the BC at his discretion.

Part 4.  The BC expressly prohibits any equine, especially and particularly donkeys, from handling, sniffing, touching, or interacting with a toy of any kind at all times.
    
       Part 4a.  Acceptable donkey toys consist of such useless, pathetic items as traffic cones and bits of old garden hose.  The example below illustrates highly illegal and forbidden activity.  Looking at and casting a shadow upon a BC approved toy is NOT allowed.

Part 5.  The utilization of any toy is the sole purview of the BC.
    
       Part 5a.  The BC will decide each day which toy will be utilized for that day and all other toys shall be ignored until such time as the BC decides to change toys.
  • Any human chosen to throw or kick said toy must be able to differentiate between toys.  The throwing or kicking of the wrong toy will be punished via a Border Collie Stare that will fully and completely convey to said human the full extent of his/her failure along with the puzzlement of the BC as to how the said human could be so totally lacking in  basic intelligence.  
Part 6.  Failure to comply with any of these rules, or any other BC rules not listed here, constitutes a severe breach of security and can not be tolerated.   A breach may result in any or all of the following:
  • The toys will be moved by the BC into Ultra Secure Storage, the location of which will be known only to the BC.
  • Any human attempting to contravene these rules by allowing or encouraging any other creature to play with toys, especially and particularly donkeys, will be subjected to a Border Collie Stare of such soul withering intensity, that said human will know absolutely and completely the total futility of his or her existence.  Furthermore, said human will also have to live with the pure, unadulterated guilt of his/her betrayal.
Part 7.  These rules are subject to change without notice and at the sole discretion of the BC. 
  • It is the responsabilty of each individual to know and understand all BC rules at all times.  
  • Ignorance of the law does not exempt one from the law. 
 We thank all of you for your attention to these vitally important security measures. 


22 comments:

  1. Brilliant :D
    Hyper-terriers are less fussy about their toys, thank goodness

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ha ha, this is so true! Naughty donkeys how dare they even look at one of Tanners toys, let along cast a shadow on one! He doesn't see their name on those equine 'er dog toys, so therefore they are clearly all his! I don't have a border collie, but have been around them & know they mean serious business when it comes to play/work!

    ReplyDelete
  3. That's hilarious and so true! We have 2 borders here and they can be a little neurotic at times!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Definition of exercise in futility: telling a Border Collie to relax. (Hilariously fun post, Kris, thanks for the aching tummy muscles I'll have tomorrow!)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Notwithstanding videos, this could be your funniest, best post ever!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yup typical Type A BC rules for sure! But I see a glint in one donkey's eye that might just rock BC World!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Border Collies must be telepathic! Boots, my BC, must have helped with this list as he is about the same ( no donks, though). Made me laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  8. LOL I can just picture that BC stare!
    Has BC moved any closer to the donkeys? Our dogs do not go into the donkey area when the donkeys are near by. The dogs and donkeys do rub noses through the gate. I don't know if they are being friendly or the donkeys are just saying "here doggie doggie doggie" with evil intent in mind!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hee Hee Hee! You go, Tanner! Thanks for the Monday morning giggle.

    I get a severe look of reprimand when I pick up the cat toys before I vacuum. I never remember where to put them back!

    ReplyDelete
  10. OMG!!! That is hilarious!!!!!
    Thank you so much, I needed that big old laugh this morning!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hahaha! Love it! That was hilarious and much needed today.

    ReplyDelete
  12. OMG I NEEDED A GOOD LAUGH TONIGHT!!! One of your best, love it

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is a riot !! It's a safe bet that BC graduated at the head of his class at Harvard Law School.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I keep coming back to this post; Tanner's carefully drafted Rules are priceless. Like Strawberry Lane, I suspected he must have a legal background.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All border Collies are Lawyers, didn't you know?:)

      Delete
    2. And the most distinguished members of the Bar, right? Right. ;)

      Delete
  15. Oh my gosh, this is just hilarious. Our Aussie loves playing with our donkeys, but only on the other side of the fence.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ha ha ha....having 2 american bulldogs who feel the same way about sharing...this post totally cracked me up! Thanks for the big belly laugh (but not the reminder that I'm almost to the age where Depends might be in my future!!)

    ReplyDelete