Stink-Eye

Before you read this post you really need to go visit the7msnranch if you haven't already.  Be sure to check out the posts for Mon-Wed, I guarantee they will make you laugh and my post will make more sense.  So go on over, have a good chuckle, cast your vote and then come back over to get Ramsey's take on the situation.

Are you going?

Really, go ahead, I promise we'll wait for you.

Back now?

Good.

So....I read this blog post Monday morning while eating my breakfast.  Five minutes later I was still chuckling over it when I stepped out onto my deck to survey my little kingdom and got this shot of Ramsey and Emma. I just couldn't resist sharing it....

The Loch Ness Monster Stink-Eye



A Diversion

"Hey Ma!"

"Yes Emma?"

"I'm  ready to do part two of my clinic"

"Um, gee Em, don't you think you have something more important to do right now?

"Like what?"

"Uh well, we're all really anxiously waiting for you to have a baby.  Wouldn't you rather do that first?"

"You keep going on and on about this 'baby' stuff, I don't know what you're talking about.  I think I should have another clinic."

"Well, OK I guess.  Anything to make you happy Emma.  What's the topic going to be this time?

"Advanced Scratching Techniques.  It's lots of fun."

"OK, have at it.  Just try not to go too fast, you know my typing skills aren't that great."

*sigh* It's sooo hard to get good help...."alright, I'll go slow.  Oh, and before we start, you should remind everybody of how to stretch properly, that will be useful here.  It's sooo important to stay in shape.  Although, for the life of me, I can't figure out how my own belly has gotten so darned big lately...."

"It will be alright Em, you'll have your girlish figure back just as soon as the baby is born and of course, you're right about the stretching, here is the link to your exercises...click here."

"Again with this 'baby' nonsense.   I hope you're feeling OK Ma, you keep repeating yourself.  Oh well, I'm just going to start my clinic, it will take your mind off obsessing about this mythical baby...."

"Hi Everybody.  Its me again, Donkey Em.... 

 
Today, I want to show you how you can direct your human to give you a really proper, all-over scratching.  

The secret here is to make sure that you have you're humans attention properly focused on you and she is responding to your cues.  This does take some practice and really needs to be done regularly so if your human tries to weasel out of this you may need to get creative in your persuasion methods. 

The most effective tool I have found, is to make her feel guilty about neglecting you.  Forlorn looks and odd contortions whilst attempting to reach a difficult spot often does the trick. 

Generally, if you can get your human started in the right direction with the simple butt scratch we already discussed, you can begin to add some simple directions.

The itchy spot is riiiiiight here...

You may have to be quite direct with your instructions, subtlety is lost on humans....

Don't forget to reward good behavior...

But be sure to correct your human immediately is she veers off course....

 Remember, lots of positive reinforcement...

And before long, you can be directing her wherever you have the worst itch... 

Ahhh, that feels good.

  

Thanks for coming to my clinic.

(I've been kind of worried about Mom lately.  She just won't give up on this "baby" notion and I thought this might help). 

Donkey Em's Tips & Techniques For Training Humans

"Hey Ma, I'm ready to start my clinic."


"OK, if you're sure about this..."


"Of course I'm sure, I've got today's subject all picked out."


"Well, what's it going to be then?"


"I thought we'd start out with something simple.  A fun, easy trick that everyone enjoys.

"Oh yeah? sounds interesting."


"Yup, the butt-scratch.  I mean, who doesn't like a good butt-scratch?  And, it can be awfully hard to get you guys to do this right.  Seems like a good place to start."


"Oy.  OK, let me introduce you properly..."

Welcome to Donkey Em's Training Clinic

 

"Hi out there, can y'all hear me?" 

"Oh, there's no sound??"

"Well, um, I guess you better just read out loud then."


"Yeah, that'll work.  So lets just get started...

Well, we all know how hard it can be to train humans and I know it may seem like a hopeless task sometimes, but it can be done.  All you need is a lot of patience.  It also helps to keep in mind that they just don't think the way we do.  Their senses aren't so sharp either.  They have those funny, round eyes, their noses don't seem to work at all and their ears...well even a horse can tell you that those are nearly hopeless.  

The main problem though, is that they just don't have very good language skills.  You can tell them and tell them things and they just don't listen.  It can be very frustrating. 

Still, they do communicate.  And I know I know, I might be accused of donkopomorphizing, but I do really believe that all those noises and gestures they make are an attempt to talk with us.   So, Take heart, I'm here to tell you that it can be done.  

The secret is to make sure your wishes are so obvious that even the human can see it.  Once you FINALLY have their attention, use LOTS and LOTS of positive reinforcement.  And be sure to keep it positive, they get really grumpy if you try to correct them.

See, humans like to feel useful and they like it when you return their gestures of affection.  Trust me on this one, if you can master this, you'll have 'em wrapped around your hoof in no time!

So, here's how to get started in, a, um, a bunch of easy steps.  Just follow along and you'll have that butt-scratch you've been hoping for...  

First, get in position.  Move up next to the human and then start backing into her.  Go slow here, humans are terribly spooky creatures and may get alarmed if they misinterpret this.

Just keep backing up, nice and slow, until she puts her hands on you, it will be an instinctive reaction.  Of course, it helps if you are my height.  Whatever my height is, it's perfect.   

Once in position, indicate that you would like the scratching to commence...

Here's the really important part.  Your human needs to know that she is actually doing something right.  Time for that positive reinforcement.  Go ahead and drop any dignity and let her know that she is getting it right....

Stretching and craning your neck while making little snoring noises works great.  She won't be able to resist...

 

And if you start to hear any whining noises that sound like "my arms are getting tired here",  pull out all the stops, let your eyes glaze over and your lip quiver...It gets em every time.

See, it's not so hard.  Next time, I'll demonstrate some more advanced techniques for those of you who have been working with your human for a while now." 

Thanks for coming to my clinic!